Blackguard
by Singalong
Summary: Deirdre's thoughts on John, based on the movie Intermission


He didn't want to talk. Deirdre sighed as she sat in a chair near John's hospital bed. Surely after her kidnapping, him getting shot, surely he wanted to talk.

But John didn't say anything; he just kept his blue eyes trained on the television as Deirdre collected her thoughts. This was her boyfriend Deirdre realized and she would have to take the lead. He'd proven that he had feelings for her, but that wasn't good enough. John had been part of a plan to kidnap her new brother and certainly scare the crap out of her.

"- veteran of the Garda Siochána, distinguished himself..."

At last she broached the subject," Was it the money?"

"No."

Deirdre leaned in closer determined to a get a straight answer," To hurt me?"

"Deirdre,"

Her thoughts turned to her former boyfriend and how he'd been dragged from the house," Him?"

He shrugged shame-faced," Maybe a little bit, I don't know."

She nearly laughed with derision but it was time to get serious. John had nearly died. "You were an idiot. You know that? Always,"

He answered like an admonished child," I know."

Deirdre thought about close she came to losing him, then she remembered he was the one that nearly got **her** killed in the first place," Always the same shit, or ever since I've known you." Not that he must have ever been any different.

Deirdre forced herself to go on," Taking the long way to get what you want, and fucking everything up on the way. Anything but ask, huh?"

Softly he said," I might be refused."

She continued on without actually hearing him at first," Anything but say what you need." Hearing him actually speak from the heart she said fiercely, "You have to take that chance, John."

This was what frustrated her about him, as strong as he tried to be he was just a scared boy. And his strange little tests. When John said they should take a break Deirdre had agreed but in truth she'd been heart broken. In the end she found out it had been a test.

Dragging her chair a little closer she said," And you're right, you might be refused, but on the other hand...you know?"

"Might's not definite, is it?" He said at last.

Had it ever been? "No."

"It's a vague enough term at best."

Deirdre bit her lip before continuing, she'd suddenly realized in that instant that she loved him but she was no fool she needed to know what John wanted, "Tell me what you need, John."

He looked at her, opened his mouth.

"Hey, look at you. Give us a look."

Deirdre stood; she couldn't get a real answer from John with his best friend there. John watched her get up his expression pensive." See you, John."

&&&

She'd been shocked when John approached in her in the bar, asked for several moments of her time.

"I just wanna say a couple of things to you, all right?"

Deirdre nodded and waited for John to make the first move.

"Now, I'm not asking for anything, so don't feel any pressure."

He took in a deep breath, "Okay. Just listen. This is a list of things that I want..."

Was he for real? Would John actually be serious for once? No immature fits, no wacky tests or kidnapping plans?

"And have wanted... for a long time." It was probably something stupid, but dare Deirdre hope he was serious?" Straight from the heart, no messing around,"

Another deep breath," To be with you...to live with you, and to...eventually, you know, marry you. To have your child..."

Amused she asked, "For me to have yours?"

"Yes. All my children." Deirdre smiled a little, which was John's way of saying he wouldn't cheat on her. "However many, three, four..."

He wanted four children, er…"Go on." Deirdre said quickly.

"To grow old with you." Of course, she could see it now, Deirdre in a rocking chair in a retirement home while John chased away potential dangers to Deirdre in his walker.

"To know...and that's the main thing...to know, all right...that you feel the same."

There was a long pause and John said awkwardly," That's it."

She was not going to throw herself in his arms. Still processing his words wryly Deirdre asked," How hard was that?"

A little shrug, but his gaze remained on her," Hard enough."

It wasn't the most romantic thing ever, but it certainly was the most heartfelt and true thing Deirdre had ever heard from John. It would do.

"Well, I do feel the same."

**This was my way of explaining how Deirdre could still love John even though he helped hold her hostage! Not that I don't like Cillian but his character was such a loser. **


End file.
